


Heavy Heart

by Amuse_me



Category: 30歳まで童貞だと魔法使いになれるらしい | 30-sai Made Doutei da to Mahou Tsukai ni Nareru Rashii (TV)
Genre: A lot of metaphors about anxiety, Alternate Universe - College/University, And mental health in general, Anxiety, Asexual Character, College accomodations, Comfort, Diary/Journal, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Non-Linear Narrative, Panic Attacks, Pansexual Character, They live on an on campus hostel, and it sucks ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:55:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28244253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amuse_me/pseuds/Amuse_me
Summary: "Of course, it’s a prank, Adachi," Tsuge sounded really sure, only to quickly backtrack, "I mean, think about it, you just happen to find a notebook with your name in it and its like a teenage girl's crush diary?"..aka the kuroadachi college accommodations au y'all didn't know you needed(Originally titled: Kurosawa's crush diary)
Relationships: Adachi Kiyoshi/Kurosawa Yuichi, Tsuge Masato/Wataya Minato
Comments: 18
Kudos: 166





	Heavy Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi I finally wrote for good fandom and I'm so happy. This Show!!! It finally drove me to write a whole fic and god!!! I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Trigger warning for a panic attack. If you wanna skip ahead stop reading from-  
> Urabe-san’s parties aren't that great.  
> And continue from-  
> “Do you feel better now?” 
> 
> Content warning for anxiety and mental health related metaphors which have also been used in the show.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

“ _I can't hold it in anymore!_ ”

It felt like a scene out of a movie. An awful, awful scene which made Adachi feel like a fly pinned to the wall, helpless in all aspects, only there to watch.

The diary was clutched in his hand, fingers gripping cardboard so hard his knuckles turned white.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

"Adachi! Over here!"

A slightly dishevelled head of hair appeared at the doorway.

He was dressed plainly, with a blue jacket and a large white T-shirt. His eyes were wide and his chest was heaving, as if he'd run the entire length of the corridor to reach his destination.

"Wh- I mean, yes?"

Urabe-san was a respected senior in the student hostel complex, and him calling you normally meant-

"I need a favour," he said, smiling up from his dorm room chair.

Adachi gulped. So it was finally his turn; with it being the third Saturday of the month and all.

"I'll get right to it!"

With that, the junior ran to the exit. Urabe-san span around in his chair, chuckling at the sound of cheap flip-flops clattering away towards the liquor store.

Technically, alcohol was forbidden within the college premises, with one too many incidents of college kids getting uptown stupid and dangerous stuff. Such bans were just as effective as drying out wet underwear on a rainy day- which is to say, not all.

Adachi ran to the liquor store, not stopping for long enough to let his anxiety get the best of him.

It was routine by now, the senior asking any random junior under his thumb to go buy bottles of cheap rum and beer from the liquor store. In turn, Urabe-san would offer them his old notes and books to study from.

The liquor shop was three blocks away, ten minutes on foot, and always smelled like stale meat. Adachi held back the urge to throw up as he said the following in a single breath-

"One-crate-of-beer-three-bottles-of-rum-and-one-flask-of-the-cheapest-vodka!"

He fished out the wad of cash Urabe-san had given him, as he weakly added-

" _Please_ ,"

The person at the desk shook his head, asking him to repeat it over, but slowly. Adachi took a deep breath and-

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

"Adachi, you really managed to carry all that to the building by yourself, eh?" Urabe-san looked pleased at the haul, greedily snooping through bags upon bags of booze.

"Well- I- I had help," Adachi admitted, ducking his head.

"Ah, who helped?"

"Kurosawa offered to carry half the bags with me,"

"Kurosawa!" Urabe-san exclaimed as the boy entered the room, "I heard you helped Adachi here do the work i gave him! I knew it had to be you!"

Kurosawa, with his neatly styled hair and clean cut clothes was the gem of the building. He had definitely won medals in some sport, like football or swimming or baseball, held the top ranking in their university and was known to be universally reliable.

 _He's blinding_ , Adachi thought as Kurosawa smiled and said something in his soothing voice.

"Ah, no Adachi really is a hard worker, you shouldn't ignore his efforts like that!" Kurosawa was so earnest, Adachi felt like hiding away.

Urabe-san laughed awkwardly and that was that.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

The one nice thing about having had the same roommate all through three years of college meant that Adachi was used to a certain pattern of behaviour.

He was used to finding him tapping away on his old laptop, trying to write the next ground-breaking novel. Sometimes, he’d be browsing the internet for cat videos.

Finding him kissing the daylights out of the "cute delivery boy" was certainly a new addition.

They were _really_ going at it, full on making out with tongue and all.

" _Ehh!?_ " Adachi exclaimed as his roommate and the delivery boy- still in uniform jumped apart.

"Adachi I-" Tsuge began, his face pink.

" _Tsuge_ ," the delivery boy interrupted, still straddling Adachi's roommate.

"A-ah! I get it! I'll be back at the room later!" Adachi ducked out, grabbing his bag from his side of the room.

"Thanks," the delivery boy said as Adachi practically teleported out of the room.

" _Ehh?!_ " He said once more, just to let it out of the system a little.

This is was unexpected. His roommate Tsuge was a near shut-in case, having a shy character like Adachi's. Where Adachi stuttered and fumbled through social situations, Tsuge preferred to avoid them altogether. How does one manage to get a boyfriend like that?

As much as Adachi wished he could say that Tsuge was his only friend, his social circle had expanded far beyond his wildest imaginations. He had a total of three (3) friends now.

The two additions were-

  1. Fujisaki-san from his college department, (she always tried to fix his hair and Adachi would then have to excuse himself at the wave of homesickness that the action brought with it and call his mother).
  2. Rokakku, a freshman who lived on the same floor as him. (You save a guy from Urabe-san's wrath _once_ and he takes it as a free entry pass into your room).



And then there was...

" _Adachi!_ "

Kurosawa. Yes, there was _him_. Adachi never knew what to call him.

Were they friends? Were they acquaintances? Or something else entirely?

They certainly talked, almost everyday.

 _He's so bright_ , thought Adachi as he turned to face Kurosawa. In the light of the day, he looked like someone out of his reach.

"Adachi," Kurosawa's voice was warm, and he was a little closer than Adachi would have normally liked, but he didn't mind this time.

"Oh, yes?"

"The new _Ragna Crimson_ manga came out!"

"Ah, yeah I haven't had time to read it,"

 _Ragna Crimson,_ _of course, why else would Kurosawa be talking to me?_

"Do you want to? I just bought a new copy and thought I'll ask you if you want to read with me in my room!"

_Eh? In Kurosawa's room? Wouldn't that be too intrusive?_

An image of Tsuge and the delivery bout flashed in his head. Yeah no, he's going to Kurosawa's room.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

The dorm room was as nice as campus accommodations could get with a narrow bed and desk-chair. Kurosawa still managed to take it look glamorous with a hanging potted plant.

"I'll get it from my closet, you just sit- _anywhere_!"

Adachi fidgeted with the zipper of his jacket and disgracefully plonked himself on Kurosawa's chair.

Kurosawa was a mere two feet away, rummaging deep inside a cramped looking closet.

The desk was very neat, with the little stationery he had being meticulously organized according to size and sheets for writing under a decorative paperweight.

And oh, what was _that_?

Adachi didn't mean to pry around, only the object seemed to be just sticking out of place when compared to the near pristine condition everything else was in.

It was a small notebook, yellowed around the edges and clearly having been written in.

Adachi had only just grabbed the tiny notebook when Kurosawa exclaimed that he had found the manga.

"Here it is! I hope I didn't keep you waiting for too long!"

Adachi shoved the notebook in his pocket on reflex, shaking his head with a nervous smile.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

That had been two days ago.

The Adachi of two days ago and the Adachi of this moment were different people.

The Adachi of this moment was staring in shock at the small notebook that had fallen out of his jacket pocket, only to open and reveal-

- _I really wish he doesn't notice me looking at him. It's embarrassing! I can't help it, Adachi really_ -

"Ehh?!"

Adachi's eyes scan over the sentence again, always pausing at his name before scanning it over again.

It was about _him_!

He flipped to the first page, on it the owner's name was clearly written, along with a date.

**Kurosawa Yuichi's diary**

**12th March, 2018**

What am I doing? Adachi thought to himself as he snapped the notebook shut and shoved it under his pillow.

It was Kurosawa's _personal_ diary! And Kurosawa had written about _him_!

Adachi took the notebook out again. Surely it must have been a one time thing? Whatever he must be talking about must have happened with Adachi in the background.

But then.

He carefully opened a random page, trying to not peep and failing-

- _I saw him today!-_

Kurosawa's handwriting was far neater than Adachi's, though it was apparent that this entry was written in a rush.

- _He likes Ragna Crimson too! Ah his eyes look so cute when he's excited. I wish I could stare into them directly but that would be inappropriate. Adachi is so cute I hope he smiles more!-_

Almost as if watching a car crash in slow motion, Adachi flipped a page.

- _He makes me so nervous! I keep trying to talk to him but my heart beats too fast! Adachi, how I wish I were brave enough!-_

Another page-

- _He likes video games that's so unfair! I know nothing about video games but I saw him with a Nintendo switch and now all I can imagine is how handsome he'd look when he's flush from victory after winning a tough level and-_

Adachi skips ahead.

- _He seems close with Fujisaki-san from his department. She seems to adore him. Who wouldn't? I truly don't blame her, Adachi really is kind. If only he realized how much he's loved!-_

Adachi once again closed the notebook, pink creeping up his cheeks.

If whatever written in this notebook wasn't an elaborate prank, then that meant...

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

" _Of course_ , it’s a prank, Adachi," Tsuge sounded _really_ sure, only to quickly backtrack, "I mean, think about it, you just _happen_ to find a notebook with your name in it and its like a teenage girl's crush diary?"

Adachi bit his lip, not wanting to admit that his best friend may be right.

"Besides, do you have any samples of Kurosawa's handwriting to back up your claims?”

Ah. _Those_.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Sometimes, having a living breathing nuisance in the form of a freshman helped you ask for strange things without ever having to explain yourself too much.

“You need a sample of Kurosawa-san’s handwriting? Why didn't you say that before!” Rokakku gleefully bounced on the balls of his feet, far too comfortable in a room that belonged to his senior.

(“ _You and Tsuge-san are too nice to kick me out anyway!_ ”)

Adachi nodded, grateful that the boy didn't ask for a reason.

Kurosawa’s diary burned a hole in its position in his jacket pocket. He hadn’t opened it since that one first- _last_ time and didn't intend to do it either. Ah but, how else would he compare the handwritings?

Wincing as a premature apology towards the diary, he had only just put his hand into the jacket pocket to fish out the diary when-

“Here you go! I asked for Kurosawa-san’s last year’s econ notes! It’s that easy, huh?”

“Thanks a- a lot!” Adachi said, thanking the heavens for people like Rokakku.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Two hours and many revelations later, there was no doubt that it was Kurosawa’s handwriting.

Adachi slumped against his desk. The diary was real, _but how could it be?_

He quietly slipped the diary under his mattress. He felt restless, like he need to do something but he didn't know what. _If only he could go and see Kurosawa…_

The stack of econ notes seemed to stare into his very soul. An idea came to mind.

“H-hey,” Adachi waved from the doorway of Kurosawa’s dorm room.

“ _Oh_ , Adachi?” Kurosawa smiled.

“Rokkaku left your notes in my room when he dropped by. So I thought I'll return them to y-you,”

Kurosawa looked different. Nothing about him had changed outwardly but it felt like everything about him was novel.

_Had he always worn glasses?_

“You wear glasses?”

Kurosawa nods, his ears looking suspiciously red.

“I think they suit you,” Adachi says because they _do_ and it makes something dangerous rise up in his chest.

“I've always been told they hide my face,” Kurosawa said, looking more approachable than he ever has in three years of living in the same building.

For a moment Adachi can see a bespectacled Kurosawa with messy hair sitting next to him for dinner and it feels like warm sunlight shining directly on his head-

_Eh?!_

“Adachi?”

“You need them to see better, so you should wear them. I think it makes you seem, well more human,”

Adachi shrugged, the stack of notes heavy in his hand and the slight guilt of knowing something forbidden, something untold about Kurosawa weighing on him.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

- _Adachi eases my mind by simply existing…_ -

One entry reads; for a moment Adachi imagines Kurosawa with his eye smile writing it.

Something about having an insight into past Kurosawa’s mind is really soothing. To know that the man has his own worries and insecurities, that he fears rejection.

Once again, he shoved the diary under his mattress.

It was an intrusion into someone’s head, an invasion of privacy that normally would make Adachi balk. But something about the way the diary seemed to talk about him without ever talking to him felt nice.

Tsuge had been preoccupied with his “cute delivery boy” of a boyfriend who seemed to cling to him like a leech, leaving the dorm room mostly empty.

Fujisaki-san would often check in on him. The last time she called, she reminded him to _eat on time_ and Adachi’s tears were already halfway down his face.

The truth is, Adachi isn’t suited to being alone.

Sure, he’d managed to move across the country for college and couldn’t deal with crowds but, the idea of having to spend all day _alone_ with his own thoughts sounded dreadful.

Everyone had dreams or hobbies or something they were aiming for. _What did Adachi have?_

His phone buzzed as the screen lit up to show a text:.

 **Urabe-san:** party tonite on my floor

 **Urabe-san:** will be noise

 **Urabe-san:** sry n advnce

Adachi groaned, then jumped mid groan as someone knocked on his door.

“It’s open!”

“Hey,” Kurosawa stood at the door, awkwardly put together next to the slightly too chaotic layout of Adachi’s dorm room , “did you hear about the party tonight?”

Adachi nods.

“Well I was thinking maybe we should go out tonight, avoid the noise,”

 _This sounds like a date!_ His mind screamed, _abort, abort!_

“Well, you mean you, me and Rokakku?”

Kurosawa seemed to visibly deflate at Rokakku’s name. Adachi felt like he’d kicked a puppy.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Rokakku is overjoyed to be included with his _favourite seniors_ on the outing. His enthusiasm borders being off putting and does a very good job of easing up Adachi’s anxieties.

“Adachi-san do you play animal crossing? I need someone reliable to trade my radishes with!”

Adachi nodded, smiling at the thought of the simple little game he’d pirated last week. Kurosawa coughed.

“Kurosawa-san! Do you play video games?”

“ _No_ ,” Kurosawa’s voice was unusually harsh, but that could mean he's getting a sore throat.

“Ah, Adachi-san is cooler in that sense! Really though, what else do you play?”

Kurosawa coughed again and Adachi really should pull him aside to offer him something to drink but-

“Kurosawa-san are you not feeling well?” Rokakku looked genuinely concerned.

Kurosawa smiled, clearly to reassure him but then he sneezed.

And then he sneezed _again_.

And again.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

“ _Thank you,_ ” Kurosawa said, his voice thin and nasally from the cold.

Adachi handed him the tiny mug of instant-soup, unable to control his lips from curling up.

He knew it was possibly the most messy Kurosawa had ever looked, in his pyjamas with his hair being pushed up by a headband, but Adachi really liked it!

“What are you laughing at?” Kurosawa whined from his bed, gingerly sipping on his soup.

“N-nothing!” Adachi said before raising his hand to his mouth.

“You're allowed to laugh at me, I look silly,”

He did look silly and god, didn't that make Adachi’s stomach do a backflip.

Adachi shook his head, then jumped a foot in the air when a voice yelled-

“ _Adachi-san I will kill your roommate!_ ”

Rokakku was in the doorway, holding a very harried Tsuge by the collar.

_Ehh?!_

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

“I still don’t get _why_ I’m here,” Kurosawa whispered as he watched Tsuge cower under Rokakku’s stare, “I'm not even needed for this.”

Kurosawa’s nose was flushed pink and he was wrapped in a blanket cocoon with the mug of soup still in his hands.

 _I need you here_ , thought Adachi, frowning a little.

“How dare you hate on Minato for being gay!” Rokakku roared, causing all the other occupants of the room to flinch.

“I- oh- I _never_ \- I don’t hate him!” Taught cried, looking equally distressed.

“But you _don’t_ like that he’s gay, right?”

“What?”

Adachi looked at Kurosawa, who had a strange expression on his face.

“You ran away from him! He was really upset when he called, said you got grossed out by him being gay!”

“H-hold on,” Adachi interrupted, “Tsuge would never hate on _anyone_ for that! He's not like that! I'm sure there's been a- a misunderstanding!”

Meanwhile, Tsuge looked stricken.

“He thinks I got grossed out?”

“He really talked so highly of you, Taught-san, about how you'll support his dreams of being a dancer,”

Rokakku looked furious, facing a very upset Tsuge.

“Ts-Tsuge! You should go and clear it out!”

Tsuge shot a grateful look to Adachi as he turned on his heel and sprinted away. Rokakku quickly followed him out, eyes wide.

Adachi sighed.

“You were really cool,”

“What?”

“When you defended your friend, that was really cool,”

“ _Ah_ ,” Adachi blushed, “I actually think Rokakku was braver, defending Minato like that,”

“So, you don't have a problem? With people being gay?”

Kurosawa’s lips were pursed together, as if waiting for Adachi to reveal his deep seated hatred of gay people. Adachi couldn't hold back his snort.

“You say that as if all my friends aren't gay! Or well, one of them is just _not into anyone_ so, ace?”

“And you?” Kurosawa’s stare seemed to be burning holes in Adachi’s brain.

Adachi hesitated. He'd never said it out loud that he's gay but it was heavily implied. He always bought rainbow stationery and only hung out with other lgbtq people but-

“I'm sorry, that was inappropriate!” Kurosawa backtracked and Adachi found himself speaking before he realized-

“ _I'm_ gay! I'm- I- I'm gay,”

_Oh no, oh no, oh no._

“ _Oh_ , that's great! I'm pan? Pansexual?”

“ _Ah_ ,” Adachi tried to smile.

They stared at each other for a moment until Kurosawa let out another loud sneeze. Adachi giggled, feeling the mood get lighter. Kurosawa smiled and Adachi truly understood why everyone on campus had a crush on him.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Kurosawa approaches him at the end of the first hour of him being sexiled by his own roommate.

It seemed that Tsuge and Minato’s reconciliation had gone well. _Too well,_ seeing that they were back at it in a record time of two and a half days.

“ _Ah, Tsuge-kun!_ ” A muffled yell came through the walls, causing Kurosawa to turn to Adachi with a pitying look on his face.

“Who knows when they’ll be done?” another yell came out to the corridor, “you can come over to my room I have _Attack of Titan_ downloaded on my laptop. Did you see the new episode yet?

"No, but I read the manga and well- I- might _know_ where they're going with it. I just want to see where- how the show goes through with it!” Adachi babbled, happy to have anything to focus on other than whatever Tsuge was doing in their room.

"Me too!” Kurosawa beamed, brighter than the afternoon sun, “let's watch it together!”

This led to them now, drowsy and warm in Kurosawa’s dorm room; leaning against each other as they stared at the phonescreen. The ending credits rolled when Kurosawa finally spoke again.

" _So_ , Erwin, huh?”

Adachi nodded feeling his chin rub against the fabric of Kurosawa’s sweatshirt.

"It was really sad when I read it, but it feels even sadder watching it,”

“Yeah,” Kurosawa sighs and everything is quiet for a while.

“Have you ever had a _boyfriend?_ ” Kurosawa asks, eyes half lidded with sleep.

“Nuh,” Adachi mumbles, finding it hard to keep his eyes open, “nevv- nevuh evuhn had uh first kiss,” he slurs through his words, tongue heavy in his mouth.

Kurosawa had clean bedsheets and a very comfortable shoulder to lean on. The sun had long set into the late hours of the night.

He drifted off to a voice whispering-

“ _Whoever gets to be your boyfriend will be so lucky,_ ”

When Adachi next opened his eyes, it was early morning and he and Kurosawa were piled on top of each other like pancakes.

He found it hard to make his way back to his own room.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

- _Adachi has a mole on the back of his neck. It’s so sexy I can't stop thinking about it. That mole, that mole! Ah it’s driving me insane!-_

Adachi ran up to the bathroom mirror to check his neck.

 _It was there_. The mole Kurosawa had filled an entire page for was _there_.

“What do I do after knowing this?” He cried out to his own reflection.

The idea that Kurosawa found him-and maybe _still_ finds him physically attractive made him feel giddy.

He couldn't fully believe it, though.

“After knowing what?” A voice said from behind him.

Tsuge’s boyfriend Minato was a short guy, though his very presence felt six feet tall. He was inside Adachi and Tsuge’s shared bathroom, dressed in a hoodie and track pants.

This was awkward.

“ _Hey_ ,” Adachi says after a beat, raising his hand halfway before thinking better of it.

“Hello,” Minato responded, “I thought you were with your boyfriend?”

His _what?_

“My _what?_ ”

“ _Boyfriend?_ Tall, looks at you like you hung the moon? The one who invited you to his room to read manga?”

He said read manga as if it implied something deeper. Adachi furiously shook his head.

“K-Kurosawa isn’t my boyfriend!”

“Yeah, right. You know I'm accepting of all kinds of relationships, right?” Minato’s voice was uncharacteristically soft at the end.

“I know that! I don’t even _like_ Kurosawa!”

“Or do you?”

_Or does he?_

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

They've been spending more and more time together lately.

Adachi finds himself dropping by Kurosawa’s room more than his own. Sometimes it’s under the excuse of watching a new show, or reading manga, or even being sexiled again, but sometimes it’s just-

“ _Hey_ ,” Adachi breathes, book bag slung over his shoulder as he steps into Kurosawa’s single occupancy.

“Hey,”

Kurosawa’s wearing his glasses again. Their reappearance brings a smile to Adachi’s face. Kurosawa looks comfortable like this, happy.

“Er, what's up?”

Kurosawa shrugs before patting the space next to him on the bed. Adachi tries to not choke on his own spit.

They sit together in silence, Adachi looking at the wall and Kurosawa looking at him. If he had someone push him, turn his head, he’d turn his head towards Kurosawa, meet his eyes after a second and get closer, _closer_ …

 _What’s on your mind?_ Kurosawa gently nudged Adachi with his elbow, not even needing words and Adachi-

Adachi fled.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

“Morning, Fujisaki-san!”

“Good morning to you as well,” she smiled, placing her books on their usual library table.

The library was rarely used for its actual purposes.

It had free Wi-Fi and privacy, so it was more often than not frequented by couples looking for a good spot to canoodle.

Fujisaki-san had been a blessing in that regard, ready to share her table with Adachi on a particularly full Friday evening. They’d bonded over the mutual need to come to the library to study and wanting to steer clear of couples.

“How have you been?” She says, opening one of her folders.

“I'm not sure,” Adachi mumbles as he sets his own books down and opens a random chapter.

“What? Why?”

“I- I dunno, just feeling about weird,”

Fujisaki-san nods, taking out a green highlighte from her bag before asking-

“Is this about Kurosawa?”

“ _Eh?!_ ”

“You know, your crush on Kurosawa from your building,”

“I- you- _how_?”

“He shares a class with me, we _talk_. And, from what he tells me you’ve been hanging out with him and suddenly you message me about how you wish to study on a Sunday morning,”

“But that's just-”

“He likes you too, you know?”

She talks about this as if it’s general knowledge.

“But what if I'm too _heavy_?”

They’d talked about this before, but a lifetime of insecurities doesn’t vanish with a few rants over tea.

Fujisaki-san put a careful arm on his shoulder.

“You should let your weight rest on others sometimes. Especially those who want to carry it, you get me?”

Adachi nods, only half-lying.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Urabe-san’s parties aren't that great.

They’re _decent_ , as far as parties go. Good booze, good music, good ambience. They had a large number of attendees but never did anything leak out into the next day. Nothing _bad_ ever truly happens, which is why they’ll never be great.

Adachi was unfortunate enough to get roped into one, standing small and hunched over in the corner of the room. There was a drink in his hand and it smelled awful.

“ _Adachi_ ,” one of his direct seniors approached him, swaying, “take a huge sip for me! I failed a test and you need to mourn for me!”

“I- oh-”

The senior leaned in close, real close. Adachi could smell vomit on his breath and cheap alcohol and-

“ _Too close_! You- you're too close!”

Adachi shoved the guy away, watching him nearly crash into a nearby table. He dropped his drink and ran, his jeans soaking sticky sweet with the drink.

The corridor was dark, darker than the night sky outside. Adachi couldn't explain why his face was twitching like that, why his hands shook and breathing was so hard. The music was booming into his ears, less loud at this distance but still the beat seemed to mirror his heart. He couldn't tell you the time or the day of the week. He just _wanted_ -

“Hey! Are you alright?” a voice was talking, loud and painful.

Adachi shook his head, clamping his hands over his ears. He wanted to _stop_ , he wanted-

“K-Kurosawa! Kuro- _Kurosawa_!”

It felt like a dam had broken and tears were rolling down his face. He just wanted to go _home_.

He wanted Kurosawa.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

“Do you feel better now?”

Adachi feels like he's lived this a hundred times. This warm, cosy feeling of being wrapped in one of Kurosawa’s blankets on his narrow strip of a dorm bed.

Kurosawa is standing nearby- but never too close, never close _enough_ with a mug of the same supermarket brand of instant mushroom soup that Adachi stocks up on.

“I- you didn’t have to pick m-me up! It must have been really late for you!”

“You needed me,” Kurosawa says simply, handing him the mug of soup.

Adachi ducks his head, preferring to instead look at the chunks of mushroom in the powder blue mug. He knew how Kurosawa had bought that mug with Adachi in mind; how he’d made a note of Adachi’s likes and dislikes from his own observations.

“Thank you,” Adachi mutters, taking a huge sip.

Kurosawa watches him. Kurosawa has been watching him all this time.

Later, Tsuge will rush in with a mug of herbal tea and a set of Adachi’s pyjamas. He will tut and fuss and demand that Adachi _comes back to their room_ and calls his mother.

But right now, all that’s there is the warm mug of soup and the scorching intensity of Kurosawa’s gaze on him.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Something seemed to be building up between them since that night.

The tension felt like a rubber band, ready to snap at a moment’s notice. It made Adachi feel like screaming and banging his head on the wall, as well as giggling into his pillow all night.

Adachi had tried to come clean about the diary many times, even carrying it on him when he was in Kurosawa’s room.

Imagining how the conversation would go felt like the time he was pranked in high school. Some boys in his year had dumped a pail of cold water on him. Cold dread trickling down his spine and soaking into his ruined uniform.

He decided he would never tell.

He didn’t want to admit it just yet, but having someone who supported you despite your heart feeling heavy was _nice_. It was nice that he was welcome into someone else’s space and be allowed to stay as long as he wants.

Which is why when, on one of those sleepy weekend nights, Kurosawa jumps away from Adachi, he feels cold water trickle down his back.

“Kurosawa?”

“ _I can't hold it in anymore!_ ”

It felt like a scene out of a movie. An awful, awful scene which made Adachi feel like a fly pinned to the wall, helpless in all aspects, only there to watch.

Kurosawa’s eyes were wide and his lower lip was trembling. Adachi was still on the bed, half covered with blankets. The diary was clutched in his hand, fingers gripping cardboard so hard his knuckles turned white.

“ _I like you! Very much!_ ” Kurosawa blurted out, looking so upset at his own admission, “I'm sorry I didn’t mean to impose my feelings on you, but I really do!”

Adachi felt like every muscle in his body had been frozen, paralysed with a strange fear. Kurosawa raised his hand, as if he wanted to touch Adachi’s face but then seemed to think better of it.

“It’s _alright_ ,” he said, his voice unbearably gentle, “you don't have to worry about this, when we see each other next, everything will be back to _normal_.”

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Everything will be back to normal.

What even _was_ normal?

It was all Adachi could think about as he paced the floor of his own room.

Diary entries flashed through his head, random words and snippets in Kurosawa’s handwriting.

_-I feel that being Adachi’s friend will be enough, I can’t honestly ask for more, -_

_-If Adachi is happy, I'll try to be happy with whatever I have-_

“When we see each other next, _everything_ will be back to normal.”

_Everything, everything, everything!_

_No_ , Adachi thinks, _I don’t want everything to be normal!_

He’d been too scared then, but he’s not so scared now. He knows what he wants and what he wants is…

He dashes out of his room, running across the corridor to Kurosawa’s room.

Kurosawa isn't in his room yet, due to return from basketball practice at any moment now. Adachi is huffing, trying to calm down his racing heart.

He closes his eyes tightly shut, trying to not think about the worst happening.

“ _Adachi?_ ”

Kurosawa’s voice sounds hoarse, Adachi carefully opens one eye to see him clad in sports gear, bag slung over his shoulder.

“ _Sorry!_ ” Adachi begins, cringing as Kurosawa’s face falls.

“Sorry,” he begins again, “I get really easily scared! And when- when you said you _liked_ me I just froze!”

Kurosawa gives him a polite, understanding smile.

“I understand-”

“ _Just listen to me!_ ”

Kurosawa looks taken aback, but Adachi soldiers on.

“Being with you, there were times when I got surprised, but before I knew it, I was smiling. It feels comfortable being with you. It made me feel that, _those times with you?_ Aren’t too bad,”

Adachi shook his head, trying to get to the point.

“ _No_. Putting all those reasons aside, I like you!”

Kurosawa is staring at him with something akin to wonder in his eyes. It makes Adachi feel really flustered.

“Sorry for the late response, but this is how I see- _oh_!”

Adachi is cut off by a pair of arms wrapping him in the tightest hug ever. It takes him a moment to process what's happening.

“Are you sure about this?” Kurosawa’s voice rumbles through his own chest, making him feel warm.

“Even if you want to run away, I'm not going to let you go,”

“Oh,” Adachi nods.

Kurosawa laughs wetly, nearly hysterical with relief.

“ _Oh_ , huh?”

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

_-I love it when Adachi gets all shy, its very charming! My shy angel-_

“Adachi-san what's that in your hand?” Rokakku chirps as Adachi quickly closes Kurosawa’s diary.

“Not- it’s _nothing_!”

“ _Ah_ , is that your personal diary? Adachi-san that's so cute!”

Adachi feels like he's under attack. If someone found out…

“Rokakku you _stink_!” Minato chimes from the other end of the room.

Oh, he _does_ reek. The rank smell of sweat hits Adachi’s nostrils, especially strong from this close.

“When was the last time you showered?” Tsuge asks, wrinkling his nose.

“Oh, ehm, _before_ the finals?”

The other three occupants of the room recoil with disgust.

“The finals were a _week_ ago!” Adachi cries, ushering Rokakku out of the room.

“But _Adachi-san!_ ”

“ _Please_ , go take a shower!”

Adachi closes the door with a sigh.

“You’re welcome,” Minato says, a far too knowing look in his eyes.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Hanging out in Kurosawa’s room is much nicer when the boy in question is pressed up to his side, not an inch of space between them.

“What do we do for our first…?”

Kurosawa turns to Adachi, a teasing look in his eye.

“Our first _what_ , Adachi? Our first date? Our first kiss? Our first-”

“The first one!” Adachi squeaks, face growing warm.

“That’s for me to plan, and you to experience,”

“ _Ehh?_ ”

A feather light press of lips on his forehead.

“Let me plan the _perfect_ first date?”

The weight that Adachi carried with him never lessened. He’d grown up with the knowledge that it never would. This metaphorical weight that no one could physically see but it was there in the slump of his shoulders, the wringing of his hands.

But Kurosawa never questioned it. Didn't question the hesitation, or the way Adachi instinctively shook his head as if saying “ _that's too much for someone like me_ ”. He waited, waited for Adachi to carefully nod, always cautious, never at ease enough.

He pulled Adachi into a hug, grinning ear to ear. His heartbeat was echoing in Adachi’s ears.

Adachi smiled, carefully moving his arms to encircle Kurosawa’s body

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

“Where did you find _that_ old thing?”

Adachi jumped, snapping the diary shut.

Kurosawa chuckled, eyes shining with mirth. He wasn’t upset, of course he wasn’t.

“I haven't seen that notebook since,” he pauses to think, “since junior year of college. Where did you find it?”

They live in a flat now. It’s small, but nice, considering that its theirs. The furniture is cheap and second-hand but someone poetic like Tsuge would call it “well-loved”. The photos on the walls are cramped together like a collage, ranging from old photos of them in college graduation caps to them at an amusement park a year ago. Adachi, biting into a colorful waffle as Kurosawa laughed.

Tsuge and Minato lived a train ride away, with their child- a cat named Udon. Rokakku kept in touch via facebook, often uploading an old college photo with a #throwbackthursday.

Fujisaki-san visited last spring, in process of opening her own company. She was the one who gifted them the rice cooker for their (then new) apartment.

At the age of twenty-five, junior year of college did seem like a whole lifetime ago.

“I found it in your stuff, back in that old dorm room,”

Kurosawa’s smile freezes for a second, ears turning red.

“You _knew_?” His voice doesn't shake, but Adachi knows him better by now.

Adachi nods, a giggle escaping him. It all seems so funny now.

“I was so surprised,” he says, carefully picking up the notebook that was held together with tape and sheer power of will, “I still am, sometimes,”

“It was a stupid crush diary,”

“I- I liked it!”

They look at each other, for a moment taken back to college, so giddy with the idea that they were together that it didn't feel real. Kurosawa wore his hair differently now, more refined and grown-up. Adachi feels like he’s falling in love all over again.

“I never told you _why_ I began liking you, did I?”

Adachi blushed, vividly remembering what had gone down the night before.

“You tell me why you like me every day!”

“No, I mean, the day I _started_ ,”

Adachi shook his head, confused.

“It was the first week of freshman year, at Urabe-san’s welcoming party,”

Oh.

 _Oh_.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Adachi had heard of how college parties have a lot of alcohol, but it was the first time he was being handed a drink.

“Drink up, Adachi!” A senior cooed, smiling sweetly.

Adachi shook his head, eyeing the drink in his hand with suspicion. It was orange in colour, Fanta mixed with something that smelt funny. Other freshmen from related faculties sat around him all smiling at the senior handing them drinks. She was pretty, in a way that a painting of a sunset would be pretty. A freshman right next to him received a wink, which seemed to be a big deal apparently.

“I don't drink,” Adachi raised his voice over the music, only to be met with laughter.

“Don't be like _that_! Drink up!”

“I- oh-”

“ _I'll drink on his behalf!_ ”

It was the guy who received the wink. He had floppy hair covering his forehead and a really wide smile.

The senior laughed, high pitched and clapped as the guy downed Adachi’s drink in one go.

“Bravo, Kurosawa!”

 _Kurosawa_. That was his name.

As the night went on, the senior got uncomfortably close to Kurosawa, nearly sitting in his lap.

It was when she put a hand on his thigh that he got up, staggering.

“I'm sorry I should leave!”

The senior looked taken aback, clearly unused to rejection. She huffed and turned away from them, clearly angry.

When he saw Kurosawa slip out through one of the doors, he followed.

The hallway was poorly lit, providing just enough light for Adachi to make out Kurosawa’s form. Kurosawa made his way to the outside of the building, unsteady on his feet. Adachi barely managed to grab ahold of him before he collapsed.

“I just had one job, and I _failed_ ,” Kurosawa said, lying down on a nearby bench.

“What job?”

“To make sure everyone likes me, and all I did was make a fool out of myself!”

“You took my drink for me, without even- without even asking,”

Kurosawa turns to him, as if seeing him for the first time.

“That was,” Adachi continues, smiling, “that was pretty _cool_ of you.”

To his horror, Kurosawa’s eyes well up with tears. Adachi doesn’t know why he does it, but he places a hand on the boy’s chest, feeling it move up and down until the sobs die out.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

“Since _then?_ ” Adachi whispers to himself in awe.

“You were the only one who wanted to know if I was alright,” Kurosawa smiled, “who was there when I wasn’t at my best,”

“You still drink all my drinks for me, though,”

Adachi laughs as Kurosawa pulls him into a kiss, the diary forgotten on the table.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

_I’ll follow where the heart sings_

_‘Cause staying at this same place forever,_

_standing still, is not what I was born to do_

-Omoinotake, Ubugoe (Cherry Magic OST)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! Lemme know what you think below!  
> (Comments truly make my day)  
> My tumblr is @gaylittlepieceofsh1t and @weareinthis2gether


End file.
